Tuesday, August 9, 2022
TikTok

Scomo Runs Rapid Test Giveaway On His TikTok To Boost Following

"I know how much you kids want rapid tests, so I'll be giving them away to five lucky winners"
Novak

Scomo Reckons Novak Might Have Hoarded All The RAT Tests

“Novak's trying to get an exemption from the Covid vaccine, right around the time that we have a shortage of Covid tests. Coincidence?"
Warney

Final Day Of First Test’s Telecast Just Warney Abusing Starc And Hobart

"The early finish has allowed us to give Warney a platform for his objective opinions"

Features

Sport

Clarko

Clarko To Stop Coaching Hawthorn So He Can Focus On Running The AFL

It’s been reported that Clarko wants to spend more time on his other job, which is managing the league as a whole.
David King

David King Reveals Total Score As Critical KPI For Winning Grand Finals

“We’ve been working overtime in The Lab, and even summoned some analysis from The War Room to deliver this exclusive”
ARC

AFL Admits ARC Bunker Built To Hide Goal Reviewers After Bad Decisions

“We’re not so much trying to make the right calls during games, ARC was built to allow the muppets we employ for score reviews to hide after a terrible decision"
Luke Hodge

Fans Devastated Luke Hodge Has Retired Without Winning Elusive 5th Premiership

"People throw around the word tragedy a bit too easily these days, but it feels like an understatement today"

News

School Leaver

‘This Is My 12th Beer’ Says School Leaver On His 3rd Beer

"Beer's just like water to me these days, it barely touches me"
Anti-Vaxxer

‘Just Give Me Whatever’s The Strongest’ Says Anti-Vaxxer Asking For Painkillers

A local anti-vaxxer has strayed from their recently discovered caution towards medicine after waking up with a 'migraine'.
Mice Plague

NSW Mice Plague Protesters Release Millions More Mice Into Plagued Areas

Due to the government being unable to stop a mice plague from ravaging parts of the country, thousands of NSW citizens have taken matters into their own hands with a powerful protest.
Turnbull

Turnbull Slams Vaccine Rollout As Biggest Failure Since His Own NBN Rollout

Former Prime Minister, Malcolm Turnbull has labelled Scott Morrison’s Covid-19 vaccine rollout an “incredible failure”.
St Joseph's

St Joseph’s Boys Accidentally Receive New Kidneys Despite Having Two Already

Following reports that 163 St Joseph’s Students mistakenly received the highly scarce Pfizer COVID-19 vaccine, it’s been revealed that several of the boys were also given new kidneys.
Cows Climate Change

Cows Who Humans Eat And Wear The Skin Of Blamed For Climate Change

A report has revealed that cows are now being blamed for the climate change that is destroying our planet, due to the methane gas they release.
Cockroach Flamethrower

Flamethrower Licenses Approved If Citizens Confirm They Thought They Saw A Cockroach Crawl Under The Couch

A law has recently been passed to allow all Australians important access to flamethrowers and other ‘tools’ if they believe they might have seen a cockroach inside their home.
Boomer Internet

Boomer Spends Hours Complaining To Internet Company For Wasting His Time

A former small business owner has unleashed a tirade of abuse on his internet provider, due to what appears to have been a fairly minor inconvenience.
Scomo Vaccine

Scomo Admits He’s Pretty Relieved He Managed To Get Vaccine Before Supply Issue

“It’s a good thing the state Premiers mostly managed to eradicate the virus in this country, otherwise people would be really pissed at the moment"
Flossing

Realistic Dentist Recommends Flossing At Least 2-3 Times Per Lifetime

"I realised I barely even floss myself because it’s super annoying so stopped giving my patients such a hard time about it”

Report: Trump Typed LOL When He Wasn’t Actually Laughing Out Loud

Multiple staffers witnessed Mr Trump typing 'LOL' in reply to a text message from a good friend by the name of Vladimir, despite not even cracking a smile.
All Lives Matter

All Lives Matter Protesters Target Homeless Shelter Fundraiser

“Are you saying my needs aren’t as important as theirs? I thought people wanted equality!"