Monday, October 7, 2024

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Biggest Morning Tea

‘You’re Welcome Kids’ Says Man Who Donated $2.35 To Biggest Morning Tea Fundraiser

“Cop that cancer” he was also heard saying while dumping his shrapnel collection into a donation bucket.
Volunteers

Shouting And Shoving Pamphlets In Faces Still Best Way To Promote Political Party

“You might think that annoying people makes them less likely to vote for your candidate, but you’d definitely be wrong”
Drilling Noise

Tradie Seems Pretty Unconcerned By Drilling Noise In Busy Office

Witnesses told Seems Legit that he disappeared after about half an hour of drilling with it still being completely unclear what he had achieved.
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Features

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Sport

Extras

‘Extras’ Being Groomed To Take Over As England’s Test Captain

Following a highly embarrassing 4-0 loss to Australia in The Ashes, pressure is mounting on Joe Root to step down as England's Test captain. 
English Cricket

English Cricket Team To Take TAFE Course On What Those White Lines Mean

After taking a number of Australian wickets only to have them disallowed due to front foot no balls, England's team will attend an introduction to cricket seminar.
Warney

Final Day Of First Test’s Telecast Just Warney Abusing Starc And Hobart

"The early finish has allowed us to give Warney a platform for his objective opinions"
Clarko

Clarko To Stop Coaching Hawthorn So He Can Focus On Running The AFL

It’s been reported that Clarko wants to spend more time on his other job, which is managing the league as a whole.
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News

Dahmer

‘Was Jeffrey Dahmer The First Victim Of Cancel Culture?’ – By Andrew Bolt

Was Jeffrey Dahmer The First Victim Of Cancel Culture?
Novak

Scomo Reckons Novak Might Have Hoarded All The RAT Tests

“Novak's trying to get an exemption from the Covid vaccine, right around the time that we have a shortage of Covid tests. Coincidence?"
TikTok

Scomo Runs Rapid Test Giveaway On His TikTok To Boost Following

"I know how much you kids want rapid tests, so I'll be giving them away to five lucky winners"
Rapid Test

Scomo: ‘If Infectious People Go To Enough Places They’ll Surely Find A Rapid Test’

"With the prices they're going for, I might see if Jenny can put a few on Gumtree on the downlow"
Close Contact

New Definition Of ‘Close Contact’ To Exclude Anyone Not Already Craving Human Flesh

"Basically, we let the virus run free in NSW and massively underestimated how bad it would be lol"
School Leaver

‘This Is My 12th Beer’ Says School Leaver On His 3rd Beer

"Beer's just like water to me these days, it barely touches me"
Anti-Vaxxer

‘Just Give Me Whatever’s The Strongest’ Says Anti-Vaxxer Asking For Painkillers

A local anti-vaxxer has strayed from their recently discovered caution towards medicine after waking up with a 'migraine'.
Mice Plague

NSW Mice Plague Protesters Release Millions More Mice Into Plagued Areas

Due to the government being unable to stop a mice plague from ravaging parts of the country, thousands of NSW citizens have taken matters into their own hands with a powerful protest.
Turnbull

Turnbull Slams Vaccine Rollout As Biggest Failure Since His Own NBN Rollout

Former Prime Minister, Malcolm Turnbull has labelled Scott Morrison’s Covid-19 vaccine rollout an “incredible failure”.
St Joseph's

St Joseph’s Boys Accidentally Receive New Kidneys Despite Having Two Already

Following reports that 163 St Joseph’s Students mistakenly received the highly scarce Pfizer COVID-19 vaccine, it’s been revealed that several of the boys were also given new kidneys.
Cows Climate Change

Cows Who Humans Eat And Wear The Skin Of Blamed For Climate Change

A report has revealed that cows are now being blamed for the climate change that is destroying our planet, due to the methane gas they release.
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