Multiple staffers witnessed Mr Trump typing 'LOL' in reply to a text message from a good friend by the name of Vladimir, despite not even cracking a smile.
“Cop that cancer” he was also heard saying while dumping his shrapnel collection into a donation bucket.
“You might think that annoying people makes them less likely to vote for your candidate, but you’d definitely be wrong”
Witnesses told Seems Legit that he disappeared after about half an hour of drilling with it still being completely unclear what he had achieved.
“We’ve been working overtime in The Lab, and even summoned some analysis from The War Room to deliver this exclusive”
“We’re not so much trying to make the right calls during games, ARC was built to allow the muppets we employ for score reviews to hide after a terrible decision"
"People throw around the word tragedy a bit too easily these days, but it feels like an understatement today"
"To waste precious beer in this era of resource shortages is absolutely disgusting! You realise the Amazon rainforest is burning right?"
“The average Australian consumes 14 Zooper Doopers per day. We know those numbers are skewed a bit by one bloke called Ron, but it still highlights the kind of waste that can accumulate over a summer"
“Yeah, there’s really not much to do when it gets cleaned every day so we do like to mess with them a bit”
“Not that it’s true…if anything, driving an Audi proves you have an enormous penis"
A recent study has found that tailgating can get you to work more than a full second faster than driving normally.
A TAFE student of Irish ancestry has taken exception to the mispronunciation of her name during a lecturer’s roll call, it has emerged.
Witnesses told Seems Legit that he then made a series of awkward screaming noises as he attempted to cool the food with his breath while it was still in his open mouth.
“He’s really proud of how he’s protected Australia from the dangerous children who pose such a threat to our way of life”
"That's really showed us how barbaric we were in supporting someone who is non-violently protesting against innocent African Americans being killed by police"
“She must have started working around here, I reckon I see her two or three times a week now”
The tweet is understood to have completely obliterated Iran’s Twitter infrastructure, neutralising their ability to retaliate.
“As you know, because it was opposite day, I meant the opposite of everything I said, so clearly I meant that ‘I don’t see any reason why it wouldn’t be Russia’ not would”
"It's almost definitely not because our company earns money based on how many people take the test, and that most people would only share their results and encourage their friends to take it if they've performed well"