Monday, June 21, 2021
Cows Climate Change

Cows Who Humans Eat And Wear The Skin Of Blamed For Climate Change

A report has revealed that cows are now being blamed for the climate change that is destroying our planet, due to the methane gas they release.
Cockroach Flamethrower

Flamethrower Licenses Approved If Citizens Confirm They Thought They Saw A Cockroach Crawl Under The Couch

A law has recently been passed to allow all Australians important access to flamethrowers and other ‘tools’ if they believe they might have seen a cockroach inside their home.

Report: Trump Typed LOL When He Wasn’t Actually Laughing Out Loud

Multiple staffers witnessed Mr Trump typing 'LOL' in reply to a text message from a good friend by the name of Vladimir, despite not even cracking a smile.
All Lives Matter

All Lives Matter Protesters Target Homeless Shelter Fundraiser

“Are you saying my needs aren’t as important as theirs? I thought people wanted equality!"

Features

Sport

David King

David King Reveals Total Score As Critical KPI For Winning Grand Finals

“We’ve been working overtime in The Lab, and even summoned some analysis from The War Room to deliver this exclusive”
ARC

AFL Admits ARC Bunker Built To Hide Goal Reviewers After Bad Decisions

“We’re not so much trying to make the right calls during games, ARC was built to allow the muppets we employ for score reviews to hide after a terrible decision"
Luke Hodge

Fans Devastated Luke Hodge Has Retired Without Winning Elusive 5th Premiership

"People throw around the word tragedy a bit too easily these days, but it feels like an understatement today"
Wasted Beer

AFL To Throw Book At Fan Who ‘Wasted Beer’ Thrown At Essendon Players

"To waste precious beer in this era of resource shortages is absolutely disgusting! You realise the Amazon rainforest is burning right?"

News

Scott Morrison Hawaii

‘It’s Not Like I Was Doing Anything In Australia Anyway’ Scomo Defends Hawaii Trip

"After showing no leadership and taking no action in response to the devastating fires for several weeks, I figured a little trip to some Hawaiian beaches wouldn't make a difference"
Drone Fishing

Investigation Finds Drone Fishing Chair Still Safer Than Tiger Air

“While that’s not exactly a high standard, seriously mate, did you see that guy? What a bloody mad dog!"
George R.R. Martin

George R.R. Martin Spotted Umpiring At Wimbledon To Avoid Writing The Winds Of Winter

“He’ll literally do anything to avoid writing the book, and he’s got so much pull around the world that he can make his ridiculous excuses a reality"
Biggest Morning Tea

‘You’re Welcome Kids’ Says Man Who Donated $2.35 To Biggest Morning Tea Fundraiser

“Cop that cancer” he was also heard saying while dumping his shrapnel collection into a donation bucket.
Ned Stark

Sportsbet Regrets Paying Out Early On Ned Stark To Sit On Iron Throne

“Look we may have gone a bit soon on that one”
Trump Wall

Trump Impressed By How Quickly Game Of Thrones Wall Was Rebuilt

“I didn’t see one Mexican get past it the whole time, not one, those guys really know what they’re doing”
Volunteers

Shouting And Shoving Pamphlets In Faces Still Best Way To Promote Political Party

“You might think that annoying people makes them less likely to vote for your candidate, but you’d definitely be wrong”
Game Of Thrones

Foxtel Confident People On Second Free Trial For Game Of Thrones Will End Up Keeping it

Foxtel's data indicates that more than 30 million Australians have subscribed to the service in the last three weeks.
Drilling Noise

Tradie Seems Pretty Unconcerned By Drilling Noise In Busy Office

Witnesses told Seems Legit that he disappeared after about half an hour of drilling with it still being completely unclear what he had achieved.
Zooper Dooper

6 Billion Zooper Dooper Litres Wasted Due To Inefficient Cutting

“The average Australian consumes 14 Zooper Doopers per day. We know those numbers are skewed a bit by one bloke called Ron, but it still highlights the kind of waste that can accumulate over a summer"
Toilets Closed For Cleaning

2 Office Cleaners Somehow Close Off Toilets On All 3 Floors At Once

“Yeah, there’s really not much to do when it gets cleaned every day so we do like to mess with them a bit”
Audi Small Penis

Audi Drivers Furious About Release Of ‘Tiny Penis’ Emoji

“Not that it’s true…if anything, driving an Audi proves you have an enormous penis"