New Definition Of ‘Close Contact’ To Exclude Anyone Not Already Craving Human Flesh

As COVID-19 runs rampant through the country (and New South Wales in particular), the Prime Minister for NSW has announced a significant change to our testing regime.

“Basically, we let the virus run free in NSW and massively underestimated how bad it would be lol” said PM Scott Morrison.

“We’ve also underestimated the required testing capabilities, yes I know, we’re not great with this sort of thing, so we need to change the definition of who we’re willing to test.

“From now on, you’re only entitled to be tested if you already have an insatiable hunger for human flesh, or your body is in an abnormal state of decay with discoloured skin and eyes.

“If not, you should go to the beach, lick some doorknobs, or whatever else you’d usually do.

“We can’t have people who might not even have COVID clogging up the ill-equipped testing queues and overwhelming the underprepared testing capacity just because they’re close contacts of a known case.

The change becomes official after NSW Premier, Dominic Perrottet urged citizens last week to avoid getting a test if you don’t have symptoms, even if you have an alert from the government saying you should.

The NSW health department later announced that “most people who become aware that they’ve been exposed to a person with COVID-19 will be advised of this by their friends, colleagues and social networks”.

When asked to clarify these statements were both correct, the NSW Premier confirmed.

“Yeah, basically don’t get tested, and we won’t contact you about it if you’ve been exposed, but your friends who also haven’t been tested or contacted will probably let you know about it”.

Meanwhile, doctors such as the President of the Australian Medical Associated have slammed the PM’s new protocols by claiming that testing and isolating fewer people will only accelerate the spread.

However, Morrison assured us that it should actually result in fewer confirmed cases.

“Look, it’s pretty simple.

“You can’t get official cases if you’re not being tested, so by hardly testing anyone, the confirmed case numbers will go down and that will make me look much better” he concluded while smugly dusting his hands.

“And anyway, we’ve always said that hospitalisations are the key indicator not cases, and by limiting tests and letting infected people run free, it should be super easy to stay in control and predict when those hospitals are going to be overrun.

We then asked why there’s already a shortage of the rapid antigen tests which could be used to ease the burden on our testing regime, but by that point he refused to answer any further questions that weren’t related to the curry he’s cooking tonight.