To whom it may concern,
My name is Brett and I recently received ‘THE WEEKEND AUSTRALIAN & THE SUNDAY TIMES RENEWAL OFFER’ letter, the title of which was all in capitals. It was very kind of you to automatically renew my subscription for another 6 months and continue to take my money accordingly, rather than ask me whether I wanted to renew. It’s greatly appreciated.
However, just a few days ago I happened to stumble across an advanced new medium known as ‘The Internet’. On ‘The Internet’ I’m actually able to view any of the articles printed in your newspapers without having to pay hundreds of dollars a year.
I’m sure you’ll want to make sure that other people don’t hear about ‘The Internet’, and this is actually something we have in common. You see, now that I can access your articles on ‘The Internet’ I thought I could actually start my own newspaper delivery service, by printing out these articles, and selling them to people in my area. It basically won’t cost me anything because I can do all the printing at work on that top quality glossy paper (I have a government job so no one really takes much notice), and then sell them for half the amount you’re charging.
I was thinking of calling my newspaper ‘The Daily Brett: News That Really Delivers’. The clever thing about the name is that I won’t only be ‘delivering’ on news quality, I’ll really be ‘delivering’ the newspapers as well. It’s catchy don’t you think?
Anyway, given that you know about the news business, I wanted to see if you thought this was a good idea? And what you think we can both do to make sure people don’t find out about ‘The Internet’?
I’ve also included a photo of how I expect I’ll look if we can keep others from discovering ‘The Internet’:
Hopefully I’ll be able to get that laser eye surgery, because some people say my glasses make me look like John Howard.
On 20/06/2011 11:45 AM, Morris, Erin wrote:
Erin | Customer Service Representative
The Sunday Times & PerthNow
34 Stirling St
Perth WA 6000
On 21/06/2011 9:34 PM, Brett wrote:
Thank you for your reply. I’ve added my details to my new email signature.
Have you noticed that Americans seem to pronounce the names Erin and Aaron the same way? It must be confusing for you, but I’d still recommend visiting the United States if you haven’t been yet. There are lots of fat people, but everybody is really friendly to Australians.
I’ve included a photo taken shortly after I entered the infamous ‘Burritos on the Beach’ eating competition in Miami:
I came fourth.
Do you like spicy foods too?
Chief Executive Officer
The Daily Brett:
‘News That Really Delivers’
The Daily Brett HQ
On 3/07/2011 9:59 PM, Brett wrote:
I was driving home from my badminton club this afternoon after a disappointing loss for my team ‘The Baddy Buddies’ when I passed a Sunday Times van. I noticed that the driver looked in my direction, and it became pretty obvious to me what was going on. The Sunday Times/Weekend Australian is clearly following me in preparation for a merger offer with ‘The Daily Brett: News That Really Delivers’. It also explains why you ‘played it cool’ by not replying to my last email.
I’m not upset by you following me, but I’d like to cut the crud (please excuse my harsh language, I grew up on the streets of Albany) and get this sorted out.
The name of the merged newspaper shouldn’t be much of a problem, as I assume we’ll just combine the names of our respective papers, and I’m sure everyone will enjoy ‘The Daily Sunday Times Brett: News That Really Delivers Weekend Australian’.
What I’d like to discuss however is the size of the newspaper. Do we stick with the regular size that you use at the Sunday Times, or should we go for the extra large, impossible to actually read, more appropriate for wrapping up dead bodies after a mob hit size? Initially I thought the normal size made the most sense, but then I wondered if similar to shoe size, women might relate the size of the newspaper a man has delivered in the morning, with the size of the package he can deliver to her during the night. Perhaps you can shed some light on this?
I’m sure we can work out an appropriate deal, however you should know that if I think you’re messing me around, ‘The Daily Brett’ will publish a front page exposé on ‘The Internet’ that will blow the newspaper industry out of the water. This isn’t something I want to do, as I believe there’s still plenty of newspaper juice to keep us all fat and giggly, but I don’t ever waste people’s time, and I don’t appreciate anyone wasting mine.
I’d also like a position in your catering division.
Head of Catering
The Daily Sunday Times Brett:
‘News That Really Delivers Weekend Australian’
…Erin didn’t reply.