Monday, July 22, 2019
George R.R. Martin

George R.R. Martin Spotted Umpiring At Wimbledon To Avoid Writing The Winds Of Winter

“He’ll literally do anything to avoid writing the book, and he’s got so much pull around the world that he can make his ridiculous excuses a reality"
Brad Scott Emotional

Brad Scott Emotional About Last Chance To Whinge In Press Conference

“Having the opportunity to front the media every week and whinge so virtuously has been more than just a job for me, it’s my passion"
Trump Wall

Trump Impressed By How Quickly Game Of Thrones Wall Was Rebuilt

“I didn’t see one Mexican get past it the whole time, not one, those guys really know what they’re doing”
Volunteers

Shouting And Shoving Pamphlets In Faces Still Best Way To Promote Political Party

“You might think that annoying people makes them less likely to vote for your candidate, but you’d definitely be wrong”

Features

Sport

Gary Ablett Bald

Gary Ablett Objects To Being Labelled As ‘Bald’

“I admit I may have a slight flaw with my hair growing technique, but to say I’m bald is totally unfair”
Winx

Retiring Winx Too Emotional For Post-Race Interview

Winx’s trainer and close personal friend, Chris Waller wasn’t surprised that the touching finale to her career left the record-breaker lost for words.

AFL Umpires To Utilise Helpful Player Feedback For Reversing Incorrect Decisions

Popular umpire, Ray Chamberlain, is one who thinks the change in policy is well overdue. “I’ve always been the type to own it when I get a call wrong, and really appreciate it when players point out a howler".
Jack Watts Snorting Powder

Manager Disputes Claim Of ‘AFL Star’ Snorting Illicit Substances

“Everyone knows that Jack bloody hates cocaine, even if he does happen to enjoy the smell of the stuff”

News

Game Of Thrones

Foxtel Confident People On Second Free Trial For Game Of Thrones Will End Up Keeping it

Foxtel's data indicates that more than 30 million Australians have subscribed to the service in the last three weeks.
Drilling Noise

Tradie Seems Pretty Unconcerned By Drilling Noise In Busy Office

Witnesses told Seems Legit that he disappeared after about half an hour of drilling with it still being completely unclear what he had achieved.
Zooper Dooper

6 Billion Zooper Dooper Litres Wasted Due To Inefficient Cutting

“The average Australian consumes 14 Zooper Doopers per day. We know those numbers are skewed a bit by one bloke called Ron, but it still highlights the kind of waste that can accumulate over a summer"
Toilets Closed For Cleaning

2 Office Cleaners Somehow Close Off Toilets On All 3 Floors At Once

“Yeah, there’s really not much to do when it gets cleaned every day so we do like to mess with them a bit”
Audi Small Penis

Audi Drivers Furious About Release Of ‘Tiny Penis’ Emoji

“Not that it’s true…if anything, driving an Audi proves you have an enormous penis"
Tailgating

Report: Tailgating Gets You To Your Horrible Job 1.2 Seconds Faster

A recent study has found that tailgating can get you to work more than a full second faster than driving normally.

Girl With Name Spelt ‘Siobhan’ Claims It’s Pronounced ‘Jessica’

A TAFE student of Irish ancestry has taken exception to the mispronunciation of her name during a lecturer’s roll call, it has emerged.
Food Too Hot

Genius Puts Food Too Hot For Fingers Into Mouth

Witnesses told Seems Legit that he then made a series of awkward screaming noises as he attempted to cool the food with his breath while it was still in his open mouth.
I Stopped These

Peter Dutton’s ‘I Stopped These’ Trophy Even More Disturbing Than PM’s

“He’s really proud of how he’s protected Australia from the dangerous children who pose such a threat to our way of life”
Burning Nike Shoes

Nike Devastated People Are Burning Shoes They Already Paid For

"That's really showed us how barbaric we were in supporting someone who is non-violently protesting against innocent African Americans being killed by police"
Borderline Acquaintances

Borderline Acquaintances Trying Equally Hard To Pretend They Didn’t Recognise Each Other

“She must have started working around here, I reckon I see her two or three times a week now”
Trump Caps Lock

Trump Wins ‘Mother Of All Wars’ With Devastating Use Of Caps Lock

The tweet is understood to have completely obliterated Iran’s Twitter infrastructure, neutralising their ability to retaliate.