Sunday, May 19, 2019
Volunteers

Shouting And Shoving Pamphlets In Faces Still Best Way To Promote Political Party

“You might think that annoying people makes them less likely to vote for your candidate, but you’d definitely be wrong”
Gary Ablett Bald

Gary Ablett Objects To Being Labelled As ‘Bald’

“I admit I may have a slight flaw with my hair growing technique, but to say I’m bald is totally unfair”
Drilling Noise

Tradie Seems Pretty Unconcerned By Drilling Noise In Busy Office

Witnesses told Seems Legit that he disappeared after about half an hour of drilling with it still being completely unclear what he had achieved.
Toilets Closed For Cleaning

2 Office Cleaners Somehow Close Off Toilets On All 3 Floors At Once

“Yeah, there’s really not much to do when it gets cleaned every day so we do like to mess with them a bit”

Features

Sport

Winx

Retiring Winx Too Emotional For Post-Race Interview

Winx’s trainer and close personal friend, Chris Waller wasn’t surprised that the touching finale to her career left the record-breaker lost for words.

AFL Umpires To Utilise Helpful Player Feedback For Reversing Incorrect Decisions

Popular umpire, Ray Chamberlain, is one who thinks the change in policy is well overdue. “I’ve always been the type to own it when I get a call wrong, and really appreciate it when players point out a howler".
Jack Watts Snorting Powder

Manager Disputes Claim Of ‘AFL Star’ Snorting Illicit Substances

“Everyone knows that Jack bloody hates cocaine, even if he does happen to enjoy the smell of the stuff”
David King

David King Reveals Total Score As Critical KPI For Winning Grand Finals

“We’ve been working overtime in The Lab, and even summoned some analysis from The War Room to deliver this exclusive”

News

Girl With Name Spelt ‘Siobhan’ Claims It’s Pronounced ‘Jessica’

A TAFE student of Irish ancestry has taken exception to the mispronunciation of her name during a lecturer’s roll call, it has emerged.
Food Too Hot

Genius Puts Food Too Hot For Fingers Into Mouth

Witnesses told Seems Legit that he then made a series of awkward screaming noises as he attempted to cool the food with his breath while it was still in his open mouth.
I Stopped These

Peter Dutton’s ‘I Stopped These’ Trophy Even More Disturbing Than PM’s

“He’s really proud of how he’s protected Australia from the dangerous children who pose such a threat to our way of life”
Burning Nike Shoes

Nike Devastated People Are Burning Shoes They Already Paid For

"That's really showed us how barbaric we were in supporting someone who is non-violently protesting against innocent African Americans being killed by police"
Borderline Acquaintances

Borderline Acquaintances Trying Equally Hard To Pretend They Didn’t Recognise Each Other

“She must have started working around here, I reckon I see her two or three times a week now”
Trump Caps Lock

Trump Wins ‘Mother Of All Wars’ With Devastating Use Of Caps Lock

The tweet is understood to have completely obliterated Iran’s Twitter infrastructure, neutralising their ability to retaliate.
Trump Opposite Day

Trump Claims It Was Opposite Day

“As you know, because it was opposite day, I meant the opposite of everything I said, so clearly I meant that ‘I don’t see any reason why it wouldn’t be Russia’ not would”
IQ Test Genius

Report: 95% Of People Score In Top 2% Of Online IQ Test

"It's almost definitely not because our company earns money based on how many people take the test, and that most people would only share their results and encourage their friends to take it if they've performed well"
Back Hair

Man Devastated To Discover His Back Hair Is Thinning

“I used to have a beautiful, lustrous mane on my back, and I guess I just assumed it would last forever”
Optus CEO

Optus CEO To Become New NBN Boss After Handling Of World Cup Streaming

“It’s a little disappointing he hasn’t found a way to blame the issues on Labor yet, but we’re confident his best work is still to come”
Mum Plastic Bag Ban

Mum Has Been Preparing For Plastic Bag Ban Her Entire Life

"They say it can take a thousand years for the environment to break down a plastic bag, but I'm confident my family's supply will last much longer than that"
Cereal On Trip From Kitchen To Couch

Busy Man Has Spoonful Of Cereal On Trip From Kitchen To Couch

Despite often eating cereal as a snack or quick dinner during the 6 hours of Netflix he puts in after work most nights, the seconds saved getting started early are apparently critical.